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Redneck Muslim Jokes

You might be a Redneck Muslim...

  1. If you say "Assalam Alaiykum ya'll."
  2. If you tip your hat when you say "Assalam Alaiykum ya'll."
  3. If you put your boots back on after salat.
  4. If your thobe or kufi is a camouflage color.
  5. If you hunt between Magrib and Isha.
  6. If you fish, swim, bath, and perform wudu in the same body of water.
  7. If you think the greatest jihad consists of spray painting "Allah Akbar" on a water tower.
  8. If your regular dua includes your cow, your crops, and your drunk relatives.
  9. If your mosque is surrounded by pick-up trucks during Jummah.
  10. If you've ever said "takbeer" during a rodeo, tractor pull, or wrestling match.
  11. If you distribute Qur'ans at your fireworks stand or yard sale.
  12. If you can't wait until KFC chicken becomes zabihah.
  13. If the FBI surrounded your trailer park and took Abu Bakr Smith in for questioning.
  14. If your reversion story includes the KKK, a minister, a bar incident, a hunting accident, or even a UFO sighting.
  15. If you explain Tawheed by insisting that you can really only have one Dad and that you can’t also be him.
  16. If you say "Bismillah" before chopping wood, plowing a field, or milking a cow.
  17. If your wife's hair can't stay put in a hijab.
  18. If your closest friend is Joe Bob "Abdul Rahman" Edwards.
  19. If you think a great bumper sticker would be something that says, “Real rednecks love Allah…and tractor pulls.”
  20. If your husband hates when you call your kids “Bin Lazy” or “Bin Stupid.”
  21. If you enjoy iftar at the local Dairy Queen.
  22. If you catch yourself saying, "Oh, no, brother that's haram," every time he's near Jack Daniels.
  23. If you eat possum or squirrel at your family's Eid Al-Fitr dinner.
  24. If you can't make up your mind between listening to George Strait or Sheikh Hamza Yusuf.
  25. If you think Clint Eastwood should play Muhammad(pbuh) in the next movie, "The Messenger."
  26. If you think the next movie about the seerah of the Prophet(pbuh) should be a Western.
  27. If you think Mecca is someplace in Mississippi.
  28. If you've ever asked your imam if monster truck rallies are halal.
  29. If you swear that Jefferson Davis was really a misunderstood Muslim.
  30. If you've ever gotten into a fistfight in a laundromat over something Islam-related.
  31. If you think the greatest jihad is praying magrib during WWF Wrestling.
  32. If you've ever made a do-it-yourself prayer rug with duct tape.
  33. If your friend Abdul Razzaque tells you he plans to open “Razzaque’s Barbeque.” (True story.)
  34. If your home has furniture on the front porch along with a hookah pipe.
  35. If you think a great dawah billboard would include pictures from your favorite westerns.
  36. If several of your relatives convert but you fail to convince four of them that “Ali” might be a better middle name than “Lee.”
  37. If you prefer using your miswak for your ears rather than for your teeth.
  38. If your friends prefer not coming to your house because it’s too full of fitnah.
  39. If your belt buckle says "Allah Akbar."
  40. If you've ever worn that belt over your thobe.
  41. If you would have won the horseshoe toss contest but didn’t want to miss a prayer time.
  42. If your mosque is the back room of Benny's All U Can Eat BBQ.
  43. If your mobile home tilts forward when you perform your daily prayers.
  44. If your town gets a new mosque, and you have to help take the wheels off it.
  45. If the reading material on your coffee table includes "Hunting and Fishing" and the Qur'an.
  46. If your name is Bubba, and you've changed it to Bubba Ali.
  47. If a prayer hangs outside your outhouse door.
  48. If a refrigerator or washing machine sits in front of your mosque.
  49. If you're banned from the county picnic for distributing Qur'ans illegally.
  50. If you're waiting for Wal-Mart to sell kufis and thobes.
  51. If you've ever worn a cowboy hat over your kufi.
  52. If you'd buy a kufi that has racecar stripes along the sides.
  53. If your imam gives a lecture against pouching, and you think he's referring to you.
  54. If you’ve worn hunting gear under you thobe if you’re a guy or under your niqab if you’re a woman.
  55. If you've ever driven a tractor to a mosque.
  56. If you scared a group of old ladies when they caught you praying next to the local Winn-Dixie.
  57. If you prefer to pray outside your trailer.
  58. If you ever wonder why the Jerry Springer Show hasn't called you yet.
  59. If you have the Cliff Notes version of the Qur'an.
  60. If you explain original sin by insisting that you don't deserve to go to jail for your Uncle Roy's stupidity.
  61. If you ever drive to the mosque in your truck while listening to a country music station.
  62. If you’re thinking about hiding the hookah pipe on your front porch because you’re suspicious of how your neighbors have been using it.
  63. If you approach your imam to ask whether squirrels, groundhogs, and possums are halal.
  64. If you hate praying outside when the mosque is full because the dogs won’t leave you alone.
  65. If you avoid praying on your porch because you are afraid it will collapse and kill your dogs.
  66. If you quit drinking before you became Muslim because the last time you bailed out a relative he vomited on you and insisted on singing songs by Hank Williams, Jr.
  67. If your kufi is made out of an animal you once hunted.
  68. If your son and his friend put up a Christmas tree in your mosque as a practical joke complete with unique ornaments.
  69. If everyone at your family or high school reunion thinks you’re the weird one.
  70. If your prayer rug hangs alongside your clothes on the clothesline in front of your trailer.
  71. If the first place you go after the mosque is the Waffle House because the owner knows you don’t eat pork by heart.
  72. If your mosque’s porch has more boots than sandals.
  73. If your mosque gets a new addition and you have to help take the wheels off.
  74. If fried chicken with mash potatoes is served regularly at your mosque.
  75. If you ever thought that Muslims made “voodoo” rather than wudu before prayers.
  76. If your immigrant friends hate coming over to your house because they thought they’d never have to use another outhouse again.
  77. If your previous religion was deer hunting or wrestling.
  78. If your mosque is made out of at least two trailers.
  79. If you’ve ever towed your friend’s car to the mosque.
  80. If you’re thinking about opening an online store to sell products geared toward the redneck Muslim culture.
  81. If the brothers keep mistaking you for a sister in the mosque because of your long hair in the back.
  82. If you have a gun rack and no one is scared of you because everyone has one in their pickup truck.
  83. If you bring groceries from Piggly Wiggly into your mosque and you are worried that someone will say something about the bags.
  84. If your imam had to make special arrangements for your family on your wedding day.
  85. If your thobes are darker colors because you have trouble avoiding ketchup stains.
  86. If you’re thinking about getting a nametag on your thobe so you can get to the mosque on time for Jummah.
  87. If your kids have been warned about bringing things that are too redneck to the mosque.
  88. If you wear flip-flops everywhere and no one thinks you are weird.
  89. If you’re contemplating having your family members literally buried close to home so you can keep an eye on their graves.
  90. If visiting the mosque means getting mud on your tires or worrying that your car might get towed.
  91. If you refuse to get rid of the pink flamingos in your front yard because your mother gave them to you and you think keeping them will help her see the light.
  92. If you’ve ever cut the sleeves off an old thobe, especially if you accidentally wear it to the mosque.
  93. If your imam personally asks you not to show up late for Jummah prayer because your automobile makes too much noise.
  94. If you think that an Islamic revival means something different than what it really means.
  95. If your name is too long even for a Muslim.
  96. If when you go to the big city, other Muslims always look at you funny.
  97. If you've ever said, "Hurry ya'll Iqama!"

Written 2001. Updated 2009.
Inspired by Jeff Foxworthy’s "You Might be a Redneck" jokes.